In the "Unbelievable" category

Just got invited to be on “Wife Swap” — yes, reality television rears its ugly head. Because of the AP article, which is ALL OVER the world today and yesterday (Eric K’s mom called from Baltimore to say she’d seen it — and it’s all over Canada, etc.), a producer at NBC saw it and thought I’d be good fodder for the show.

Fodder would be the word. Like, something to put through the machine, get chewed up and shat out. Seriously. Can you imagine? With whom would they match me — to be my opposite family? I’m not a super crunchy granola hippy, as I said in the article — but I’m not straight-laced either. I love shopping, and shoes, and dressing up — which is why that Compact is such a challenge for me. That’s the point. If they stuck me with a bunch of people who like to shop, hell, I like to shop, too. But I’m trying not to add to the general piles of crap in my house and on the planet.

Just for a moment — just for one tiny second — think about how much plastic you throw away every day. Every time you shop. Every birthday. Not even thinking about every Christmas.

Seriously. Is that the legacy you want to leave behind? I’ve got news for you. We are a family of 6, with guests — usually 5-7 people per day in this house, and sometimes way more. We almost NEVER fill our small gray garbage can. Maybe half-way most weeks. And that’s still too much. We always overflow the large recycling can, though. We have 2 composts going and compost paper towels, filters, paper plates, greasy wrappers, bones, etc. If it’s really “meaty” we put it into the green can with leaves, etc. Otherwise, we compost it. And STILL we have too much plastic and garbage for my taste.

I would think with Wife Swap they’d put me with a bunch of hicks in middle America, who eat at McDonald’s and don’t recycle anything because the pinko-commie-tree-hugging-hippy-bastards who hate George Bush and want to kill unborn babies are trying to take our guns away in Washington. But guess what? I can throw down with the Bible verses. I can match wits with the Fundies. Not a problem, because luckily, about anything you can argue one way in the Bible, you can also argue the other way. But I fear the stupidity. I’d be stuck with ignorance, and that’s a disease that’s sadly incurable.

And my poor husband would have to play nicely with what kind of “wife”? What’s the opposite of a earth-loving, recycling, do-gooding, workaholic writer for whom money isn’t everything? Who knows what they’d think up as a 180-degree “match.” A consumerist, narcissistic, gum-popping spendthrift in a gas-guzzler? Uh. Sorry, not this time. I think we’d all be happier right where we are.

So — despite the fat chunk of change they’ve offered to pimp out our happy little lives, I’m gonna say no thanks. Although it is rather entertaining to tell people we’re into Wife Swapping. Just for laffs, I mean.

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2 Replies to “In the "Unbelievable" category”

  1. I was offered ten grand to do the exact same thing three and a half years ago. I had a nursing babe and told them he’d have to come with me, which wasn’t an option. They were incredulous: “You’d give up this kind of money just so your kid doesn’t have to have a bottle?!” Yes, I would, and I did, with not a jot of regret!

    I’d never seen the show before that, but I have since then, and I’m SOOO glad I bailed. Glad you did, too (but I would have LOVED to do it if I got to go to your house! Maybe we oughta game the system?)

    xoxo, K

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